Sad Post, But Crying Can Heal?!

It's amazing to sit back and recall the setbacks that can occur in your life. I have a pretty amazing life...wonderful kids, awesome hubby, a good job that I love, friends that I LOVE, family who loves me unconditionally, and pretty OK health. It takes a loved one to pass away where you really start to put life into perspective and vow to do things a bit different even though you think your life is going along fabulously.
My dad died last week. I knew it was coming, yet as I write this two weeks later, I'm feeling more distraught about his death than I thought I would be. Dad was diagnosed with throat cancer December 17. Smoking heavily for over 65 years will do that to you. Because I'm the only child that lives in Vegas I became the sole caregiver for my dad and really didn't mind doing what I had to do to help him. For 5weeks my dad did radiation daily and chemo once a week. I was amazed that he seemed to be OK after doing these treatments. He never got sick and after 2 weeks he was able to drive himself to his treatments.
I could tell at the beginning of February that these treatments were taking a toll on my dad. His weight was plummeting. He lived on Ensure that was fed thru a feeding tube because he couldn't' swallow. Having at least 6-8 Ensure's a day is beneficial to a human being, yet my dad insisted on only having 4-6. Soon he also lost his voice and could barely whisper or resorted to writing notes.
On February 15 he drove himself to the hospital due to his oxygen levels being low. His chemo doctor had requested that he go and be checked in. I was called because my dad needed to have a tube put down his throat which he was refusing. Yep, he had a DNR and I was the lucky one that had to sign off on it. Hardest day of my life!
Like me, my dad is very stubborn as I tried to tell him that I didn't have to sign this form and having a tube put in would prolong his life. He still chose not to. Four days later my dad passed away due to respiratory failure brought on by tonsillar cancer. As each day went on his health worsened and his brain just wasn't getting enough oxygen. On the day that he died my mom and I were able to tell him goodbye and let him know that we loved him. I could tell that death was near. Hospice nurses see this all the time and all of the signs were there. An hour after we left he peacefully passed away to play in heaven with his daughter Patsy and his mom/dad.
The past two weeks have been so surreal to me since you really don't plan on burying a parent. It's expected, yet who really thinks about it? My dad had a beautiful service in Kanab, UT and is buried in Mt. Carmel, UT next to his beloved mom and dad. My sis Patsy is resting peacefully 18 miles south. I planned the entire funeral (with a little bit of help from my prec...;)) and buried my dad with dignity and letting people know that MY dad was loved by many. Yes, he had his addictions and didn't have the greatest relationship with some of his sons. He even has grand kids that have never met him. Sad, I know. I loved my dad for who he was, the example he set for me whether good or bad, and am so grateful for the relationship that he had with my kids. They loved their poppa and he loved them hard. I love you dad and will always be your Krissy!!
So am I going to try and live my life differently? Yep, life is too short and I plan to take advantage of life a little bit more. Hope you can to! I'll post pictures of my dad and his awesome funeral shortly.